You may know who you are, and if you do, that’s fab! You may not know who you are and that’s also fab, think of the fun you’ll have finding out who you actually are.
If someone were to tell you, even if you think you know who you are, that you’re going to go on a journey to find the centre, the essence of you, would you take them up on their offer? Would you get excited about what you may find there? Do you think it will compound already what you feel about yourself? Would you be scared? Would you be ready for the possibility of a long and fraught journey ahead…..?
Part of my training is to be in supervision. I go to see a more experienced, seasoned therapist and talk about what the course brings up for me, and/or anything else that may take my fancy. Basically I get to talk about me, a lot, for a good hour and when you do that regularly stuff that you don’t intend or never really knew was there comes up. (See it IS all about meeeee!!! 😉 )
It’s like a journey to the centre of the earth, a journey to the centre of you! What might you find there, hot molten lava spitting and bubbling or a kindly old man (or woman) who will welcome you like an old friend and make you a cup of tea with a slice of cake and congratulate you on your journey? It’s all very pretty at the centre of you, diamonds sparkle in the walls and beautiful music sighs through the archways as you’re sipping the best cup of tea ever…..but….. pretty it may be…… and maybe after a while of being there and exploring…… it’s all rather…..er….well…… a bit………boring……
So my journey to the centre of me takes its form in my supervision, that’s what I’ve been on, it’s what I continue to do, it’s a requirement of my course, and when I’m qualified a requirement of my job. Kinda look on it as personal development in my career as a counsellor. To say what I found at my centre was a disappointment is a bit of an understatement. The words, clingy, dark, weak, frightened, and rubbish were bouncing off the walls and there was a lot, a lot of churning water….. Fucking traumatic if you really want to know. You kind of get lost in it, wading in the mire looking for a diamond….
But then if I think about it, do I want to be the most perfect, sparkling diamond and a bit cold, a bit boring having to keep up that diamond hard perfection or would I rather be the un-restful waters of imperfection, muddy, flowing, soft, a bit rubbish sometimes but with a lot of love to give.
I believe I have made my choice; it doesn’t sit well with me ‘cos I always thought I was a warrior, (with very shiny armour and a massive fuck off sword!) But at the moment, I’m a messy, emotional, chaotic, lazy, watery and a bit rubbish, at rest warrior and I’ve lost my armour and misplaced my sword.
Hello, here I am.