Losing Touch

Well, it’s been almost two months since my last post!  2 months, it’s the longest time I’ve not written since I started my blog!

I’ve not been ignoring it though, I have been quietly mulling over something and just needed the right angle from which to write, I was just thinking how out of touch with my blog I was being and, well, yep, that was the angle.

I guess for me, the last few weeks, I’ve really lost touch with myself as well.  I was on half term with my course, I had handed my essay in and it was handed back to me with great feedback. I applied for the MA in Psychotherapy to carry on with my training and my tutor gave me a great reference, I got an interview.  But something had changed.  Somehow lethargy and complacency had stepped in and taken over.  I stopped reading, I started with some of the other students to really talk to each other about stuff instead of practicing our skills in the correct way in the unsupervised training sessions.  I wasn’t feeling ‘it’ anymore.

I went to my interview, I got in.  So why wasn’t I jumping around the room with joy when I received the letter of acceptance like I did when I got accepted onto the current Foundation Course? Why did I feel weirded out, along with a feeling of dread and a ball of anxiety forming in my stomach?  I had already left.  In my head, I made my peace with not being accepted and silently had said goodbye to my fellow students and was ready to go back to full-time work and back to the life that I couldn’t wait to get away from almost a year ago.

I can see now that I was getting ready to take the easy option.  Leave and be done with it.

And to an extent I am still feeling slightly ‘wooly’ and fearful about the whole next year.  But a few things from the world of synchronicity and, if you are a fan of the philosopher Karl Jung – ‘The Collective Consciousness’ was telling me that actually this is the right path for me.  If you don’t read Jung or believe in ‘The Collective Consciousness’ that’s cool too.

I  re-read an email that was sent to me a while ago.   It was from a Psychology student who also volunteers at the Somerville Foundation with me.  We’ve never met but I took part in her final research project. The email was her write-up of her investigation into the need for a provision of emotional/mental health support for those who have and have contact with those with a CHD.  It makes fascinating reading.  The title “At some point, something is going to break”: Discovering the experiences of adults with congenital heart disease, sums it perfectly for me!  At one point I am going to go into this research and write a proper literary review of it, it’s so important!

It is a comprehensive and intelligent paper on how often those adults with a CHD often feel emotionally vulnerable, a need to be seen to be strong and sorted, and a fear that they will be seen as different.  I really wish I could link to it, or cut and paste it all here for you to read as it is really an important piece of research and evidence into what so many CHD-ers are feeling – a worry that something will break, that our bodies have taken on a physical, emotional and mental assault and basically we get tired sometimes of dealing with that trauma, speaking from experience, it is a trauma, believe me…

Within my volunteering work in the last week or so, I’ve spoken to many people enquiring about a therapeutic/counselling service for their needs.

Then an a friend who I haven’t really spoken to for ages, out of the blue, emailed me explaining that she had heard of a placement going for a trainee therapist and would I be interested!

Jung’s theory really was alive and kicking – ‘The Collective Consciousness’ –  which I’m beginning to slightly soften too, was telling me that I am on the right path, that what I am doing is of value and hopefully when I’m qualified people will begin to take me seriously when I say there is a need for this type of service to those affected and effected by CHD.

So I am on the right path, the next year is not going to be easy, there are many things I want to do beside studying and training.  I’d like to start earning again, I’m going to have to be organised and sensible (yawn!) and really listen to myself and surroundings instead of developing my Ebay habit even more than what it already is.  But If I keep in touch with myself, I’m sure I can do it.